Music To My Ears

I was watching the kids play the other day. Just soaking in their little manerisms and being in the moment. I love engraving those moments into my memory!

They were playing at the piano. And as I watched them, I realized just how different they are!

Lito's delicate hands were gracing the keys as he focused at really trying to make a tune out of his 'song'. He was very deliberate about which keys he played and in what rythm. He's never taken a lesson but he asked for one that day! His hands were curved and positioned very naturally as though he was already a pianist! He was so focused and really wanted to figure out how the piano worked. I took lessens when I was young so I could tell looking at his positioning that he may actually be ready for beginner's classes!

Solana on the other hand ... she was more intrigued at figuring out how loudly she could bang on the keys! She had her hands completely flat as she barrelled into the piano! She laughed at all the silly sounds she was making and she could care less about strategy! I know she's only 18 months old but I don't remember Lito being so carefree at this age! She seems to be the more outgoing of the two while Lito seems to be the more conservative of the two.

I love them both so much! I'm so intrigued by their differences and already seeing how I have to parent differently to each of them. We're in for a fun ride!

Chicken Soup for My Soul

The little time I spend with my kids is so precious to me. I'm sure many working parents feel the same way. It's so hard to push through the exhaustion in order to cherish those moments but I wouldn't have it any other way. Most workdays I get to see them about 2 hours a day and on those days, I honestly don't know how I get through the day.

I get up between 5:30 and 6 AM. I'm at Lito's school between 7 and 7:30 AM. It takes me about 35-40 minutes to drive to work. As soon as I get out of my car in the office parking lot, I'm almost instantly working. My mind has been racing the entire drive to work so I have in my head all of the things that need to get done for the day. Then, I usually see people in the parking lot that want to chat as we walk to the building and I'm sure to run into folks in the elevators and hallways all the way to my desk. By the time I'm logging in, I probably have 3-5 more items added to my daily list based on those I've had conversations with on my way in! Then it's work, work, work every second of my work day. The only breaks I get are to use the ladies room or days when I can afford a quick lunch with my co-workers.

I would say that in the course of one work day I will have made anywhere from 50-100 decisions about the team, associates, projects, accounts, schedules, my own work... the list is endless. The worst feeling is looking at the clock, seeing how late it is in the day, and knowing that I have probably been able to tackle about 35% of what I intended to address that day. My to-do list is never empty and never short! And it doesn't end there ... on my 35-40 minute drive home, I am usually on the phone following up on items from the day by leaving messages for those I needed to reach out to and didn't get a chance to before they left the office. Because yes, I'm usually one of the last ones out the door! Many say that's my fault and I can handle that criticism because I take pride in my work. The problem is ...

By the time I get home, I feel like I have worked 20 hours because it's nonstop from the minute I get in my car to the minute I unlock my front door at night. And on those days when I work "dark-thirty to dark-thirty" (when it's dark outside when I leave my house and when I get back to it too!), I have been known to just cry all the way home out of desparately needing sheer release from the day's anxiety. Not every day is like this of course (who could really handle that!). But more than not, I do feel overworked and underappreciated. I never realized how lonely the manager position can feel.

So when I open that door and my son squeels "Mommy you're home!" and my daughter smiles and giggles all the way as she runs to me and doesn't let go for the next hour, it is the MOST INCREDIBLE feeling in the world. As tired, stressed, sleepy, angry, hungry, depressed, or confused I am from those extra long days, those greetings when I get home make it all disappear in a flash (at least for a few hours!)...

The frustration with the co-worker that gossips at work ... gone!
The customer that took out all her lack of previous quality service on me ... put on hold!
The situation that I couldn't get help with, from anyone ... forgotten!
The system issues that created excuses for not getting work done ... unimportant!
The anger at being accused of things and people not taking ownership ... not worth another thought!
The stress transferred to me by managers that have no time ... disappeared!
My worries about all the work I didn't get done because I'm addressing perceptions ... no longer on my mind!
The anxiety of getting more and more work added to my responsibilities ... insignificant!
The disappointment of excuses, excuses, excuses .... inconsequential!

Lito, Leila and Danny are all I can think of at that very moment. Lito wants to tell me about his day at school and wants me to help him with his homework. His goal is always just to hear me say that I am proud of him, I can see the anticipation of it in his eyes! Solana Leila just wants to be on me, in my arms, or making contact with me in some way. She screams (and I do mean screams, at the top of her lungs, and she's got some lungs that girl!) if I even think of setting her down. Danny just needs a break from the kids but he's always happy to see me too! And he's so understanding that I feel so incredibly blessed. These souls are my chicken soup for the most stressful days. A few years down the line Lito won't want to be bothered by me and Solana Leila will be more attached to her father.

So, as many parents do, I push through the exhuastion, I set aside all work thoughts, I dig deep and I smile and love on my kids. They have 100% of me during those few hours that I am with them. They are precious and they are blessings not to be taken in vain. Even when they are fussing and I'm losing my patience, I really get hit with these reminders. Danny is my rock so I do my best to give him attention too.

By the time I go to bed around midnight, after putting the kids to bed (yes, I know they go to sleep late), I am so grateful for my house, my car, my family and the fact that I have a job to get up for the next day. But that moment of getting home from work, that is what gets me up the next day. Any other thought would be worthless after spending a few hours with such great kids and a wonderful husband!

Why Do You Love Me?

It's amazing to see your kids develop their own personalities. It makes you cherish everyone around you for all their different qualities.

The other day I was telling Lito that I love him and he said he loved me too.

Out of the blue, I asked him why, why does he love me. He said, "Because you're beautiful!"

LOL

So then I asked him, "Do you love me when I'm not beautiful?"

Lito didn't even hesitate, "Yes, but you're always beautiful!"

The future love of his life will definitely say I'm raising him right! But of course, kids Lito's age always have more tricks up their sleeve. Without a second thought, he said,

"But mommy, if you're not beautiful you just brush your hair and put on make-up, then you'll be beautiful again!"

Oh, the answers to life's most powerful and pressing womanly downer - feeling ugly ... just take Lito's advice ... do up your hair a bit, put on some of your favorite facial products (mine are all Mary Kay of course!) and all will be right with the world again!

Love you Lito!!

Double Whammy!

It's so strange to explain things to little ones ... you think you're doing the right thing by keeping it high level (or low level, their level) or using words that make sense at the time. It must be some guarantee in life that these things come back to haunt you.

For anyone that knows me, they know that I work really hard at my job. It requires a lot of me but I also am a very prideful woman so my work is very important to me. When Lito came along, it was a challenge to balance it all because I was used to working 50-60 hours a week without much hesitation or frustration. Amazingly kids change everything! By the time Solana Leila came, I learned just how hard it is to go from one child to two and still try to balance a full time job. I'm still a working mom in progress!

So there are certain things that I have built into my routine to ensure I give my kids undivided attention several times a week. One of these things is my weekly visit to McDonald's playland! It happens every Friday ... I leave work between 3-4 PM, just in time for Danny to head to his job and I load the kids in the mini van and we head down to the "MickeyDee's" down the road! The staff knows me by name and the kids absolutely love getting their energy out while getting to play with Mommy! I love it too, it makes me feel like I'm spending the time with my kids that I wish my mom would have spent with me.

You might be surprised to find out that there are a few of us 'families' that show up every week. Okay, maybe I'm the only one that's religiously there every week but the kids have made a few new friends that they get to see every other week or so. It's nice for me too because I meet other people that are not part of my work mayhem. One of these families is a Latino family with a child that has Down Syndrome.

The first time they came, Lito kept staring at the little boy. I would try to just distract Lito but he's a very curious 4-year-old. So it was just a matter of time before he asked me something. He blurted out, "Mommy, why does that boy act like Solana?" (meaning, like a baby, because he wouldn't speak and he crawled around but with his stature, it's clear that he is probably about 6 years old, definitely older than Lito)

In my haste to quiet him down, I just replied, "He's a very special boy and he learns differently. You can still play with him, just be really gentle okay?" He said okay and that was the end of that. It was cute actually, he sort of became protective around him with the other kids, defending him or telling other kids to be careful around him. It's been a few months since we've seen the same family so Lito doesn't react to him any differently now. I was kinda proud!

Then .........
Today ............
This wonderful Friday ..............

Another family showed up ... a new family ..... with a very active little girl. She is probably around 8 years old and was pretending with another girl, pretending that she could not speak. Lito, being the observant brilliant boy he is (really, I think he's brilliant!) turns around to me and asks (a little too loudly for my liking), "Mommy, is she special?" pointing his finger straight at her!

AHHHHHH! What a whammy! Why did I ever use that word to describe 'odd' behavior!

Again in a hurry to quiet him down, I replied very quickly and said, "NO Honey!"

At which point that precious little girl got sad and walked away ... I realized I hurt her feelings ..... OMG, she thought I was saying she wasn't special! The worst thing I could say to any little girl! Double Whammy!

Raising kids is a very tough mental game! I knew it was physically demanding, but mentally too? I had no idea what I was getting into!

It's SOOOO Hot!

For some reason, maybe it's just in my head, or maybe not ... but my car usually has morning dew on it every day! As I drive out of the neighborhood daily, I notice that I'm usually the only one with my wipers going in the morning. I'm serious, it's a lot of dew! Maybe I should have my car looked at for that ....

Anyway, now my car also has no air conditioning. Yes, it went out in the middle of the worst Houston summer imaginable! We took it in to get it looked at for the AC specifically and they said it would cost $1500+ to repair. So I decided that I can handle a little heat (or so I thought).

With Lito going to preK now, I feel bad riding him to the school in no AC. The morning isn't too bad ... I roll down his window and give him my battery operated fan (compliments of my friend Karen!). I know, it's a little ghetto but sometimes we have to deal with life's lemons.

This morning, Lito was riding in the back as usual but we were stuck in traffic so we were feeling the heat more than we would normally. Lito put his hand on the door, over the window opening, to where his fingers were touching the outside of the car. In that instant, he said,

"Mommy, it's soooo hot ... the car is sweating!"

How do you explain morning dew to a 4 year old? It was priceless!

PreK Jitters

Meaning, MY pre-K jitters! Lito was so excited about going to school ... I was the one that was nervous! Everyone warned me that would be the case, but I didn't believe ... boy, was I wrong!

I was nervous about everything possible:

• Will he get lost?
• Will he cry if he gets hurt?
• Will the teachers know what to do to make him feel better?
• Will he be okay if his feelings get hurt?
• Will he be okay going to the restroom by himself?
• Will he eat? He's such a picky eater ...
• Will he be sociably adept?
• Will he let other kids boss him around?
• Will he push or kick or get frustrated like he does at home every once in a while?
• Will he cry for me when he realizes we haven't been around for hours?
• Will he know how to get to the car when school is over? After all, he's only 4!

I was so concerned that I asked Danny if he could call me when he picked up Lito from school the first day and put me on speaker phone so I could hear how his first day went. Lito has only ever been away from us for no more than 1-2 hours. Danny works nights and weekends and I work weekdays so we don't put the kids in daycare. In other words ... they are always with one of us and I was worried about how he would react being away from us for such a prolonged time!

So Danny called me before Lito got to the car ... he said he waited in line for over an hour! From his vantage point, he could see the system in action! For security reasons, each parent was given a car tag for car riders. They told us that whoever was picking up the child would need the car tag and then the teacher would ensure the right child is brought to each car. Danny noticed the teacher was the same one from Lito's class! He watched as the teacher arrived to each car and quickly took the tag in order to speak into a microphone which calls for the child (another teacher inside the building actually gets the child from their classroom). She worked very quickly and was being very efficient with her time.

When she arrived at Danny's car, she took a few minutes to chat with Danny. She said, "Oh, you're Daniel's father. Oh my goodness..."

As Danny was telling me this, my stomach sank ... I instantly thought, "What did Lito do!?!!?!!"

Then Danny continued imitating the teacher, "You are doing such a great job with him! He is so polite and sweet!"

Of course that totally made my day! She couldn't stop talking about what a great student he was already and that she could tell he would be a superstar in school! We were so proud to hear that! She must have taken a special liking to him because she personally went to the classroom to get him herself!

When Lito got into the car, Danny gave him the cell phone and let me talk to him. I have such a great husband! Lito sounded down and as though he had been crying so I asked him what was wrong. He almost whispered, "I want to go home"...

I guess being sweet and polite can be exhausting!

I'm still getting used to the idea of him being in school but after day 3, my favorite number, he is still coming home with rave reviews and "good boy" stickers! I can't believe he's growing up so quickly. Lito has such a special place in my life, I call him my heart because he's just an angel! Even when he acts up and gets disciplined, he comes back to apologize on his own and he sincerely means it, you can see it in his eyes. I love him soooo much! So PreK Jitters have turned into PreK Joy!

I have my days too ...

One particularly tough day at work last week, I came home exhausted. I try very hard to use my 35-minute commute home to wind down. I need it desparately. I put every bit of positive energy into my job and I naturally give my all, with an open heart (too open sometimes). So those 35 minutes getting home help me to refocus on what I'm coming home to ... a beautiful family that I cherish so much!

That day was especially hard and 35 minutes just wasn't enough. I got home and I just didn't want to talk. I wanted to vegg out on the sofa and do nothing but lose myself in aimless reality TV. With a four year old, that's quite difficult I'm finding out! And those four year old ears catch things you least expect! He had so many questions and when Lito realized that I was not in the best of moods he became very direct ...

"Mom, you don't like your job"

I was so surprised! I said, "Sometimes I don't." He asked why not and without blinking I said, "Well, sometimes people aren't nice."

He then replied, "Yes they are! Miss Margie is nice and Grandma is nice and Daddy is nice and Tita is nice ..." and he kept going, naming people in our immediate family and friends circle! Oh he made me laugh so hard! I guess he thinks I work with friends and family, wouldn't that be nice!!! (Maybe :)

I love it when he puts things into perspective for me! Focus Fixed!!

How'd He Get So Smart?

For as long as I can remember, I have always worried about Lito being behind in a few milestones .... walking, talking, potty training, etc.

In the last few months, he has really accelerated his speaking abilities and I've been so proud of him! I've made a concerted effort to get him around more kids and I'm sure that's paying off. The other day he told me something that really impressed me. I honestly don't remember what exactly he said that caught my attention. It's the conversation we had afterwards that is cemented in my memory!

I stopped to tell him, "Lito, that was very good! How did you get so smart?"

He paused for a split second, put his little pointer finger on his chin and very proudly said, "Well, I thought about it!"

Yes son, that's a skill you'll need for life! I hope you always think before you speak!! :)

I Love Your Daddy!

The other day I was hanging out in Lito's room ...

It was the morning of my trip to Dallas ... the first time I was going to be away from the kids for any amount of time!! I was feeling oversentimental and guilty about leaving. However, I knew I needed this trip. So I decided to hang out with Lito for a few minutes.

He has a fun bunk bed that has no bed on the bottom. There is only one bed (on the top) and underneath is a play area. We have a huge bean bag so I was laying in there cuddling Lito. He's such a sweetheart!!

We were just chatting and I said, "Lito, do you know that I LOVE your daddy?"

Lito replied, "Yes, and he loves you too!"

I wasn't expecting that! I said, "Awwww, I hope so!"

And Lito said, "Yes, he loves you because you are his life!"

As if I wasn't having a hard enough time leaving on my trip!! I LOVE my family!

Parent Preview

Before having kids, I thought about how inconvenient it would be to have to take care of another being. I was really enjoying the life Danny and I had built. We had steady jobs, a nice house, too many pets, and the best travel arrangements one could ever wish for!! Danny works for an airline company and the flights for the first 10 years he was there only cost $20 round trip nationally and (get ready for this ...) $35 roundtrip internationally! We were blessed enough to travel the world and see some of our dream places ... Rome, Paris, Niagra Falls, and too many tropical islands to name! Truly I never underestimated the value this kind of blessing brought to us (I never dreamed it would be a reality).

Then, one very fateful October day in 2004, 10/27/2004 to be exact ... two weeks before a suprise trip Danny had planned, to take me to Hawaii for my birthday ... our lives changed forever. I almost lost my beloved Danny. He was in a horrific motorcycle accident and he was in the hospital for weeks! He had several surgeries for broken bones, he needed constant dressing changes for the burns all over his body, he contracted a potentially fatal staph infection, and to this day, he still has a metal rod in his disfigured left leg. Three months after his accident, the doctor cleared him for 'intimate' activity. I'm sure you're laughing right about now! I'm smirking too :)

I can still remember that check-up appointment!! We had very specific questions about his progress but his 'intimate' abilities was NOT one of them! Honestly, his injuries were so severe that those thoughts weren't anywhere near any of our conversations at home. So when the doctor ended his check-up appointment by giving me a very graphic manual, with drawn pictures of different POSITIONS (!!) circled and 'x'ed out, I am sure that my face was beat red! I don't remember really hearing what she was saying, just out of being in utter shock! I'm pretty sure that Danny had a different reaction :)

That night we talked ... about starting a family. We both realized that life was too short to put it off any longer. We both wanted kids, we knew that about each other early in our relationship; afterall, we met when we both worked at the YMCA and we got serious when we both worked as Summer Camp Counselors ... so we knew kids were always going to be in our future. On February 24, 2005, almost four months after Danny's near death accident, we found out I was pregnant! Danny wasn't even cleared to go back to work yet and here I was, expecting our first child. And wouldn't you know it, Lito was born almost a year after Danny's accident (he was born 10/11/2005! Our lives haven't been the same since! We fell in love with Lito so much that we planned Solana Leila as soon as I thought we were ready (and yes, I even planned on her being a girl, but that's a different story)...

I started thinking about these turn of events because recently I have found myself missing our travel days. There were so many other places we wanted to go ... Hawaii was just one ... Spain, Australia, Egypt, South America, etc. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I have just wanted a break from being a parent. I started wondering, if before starting a family, had I been given a preview into parenthood, would I have made the same decision to start a family? As I spent the whole day with the family today, I realize that having our kids is the biggest blessing in my entire life! No way would I have ever changed things as they turned out. Yes, things are tough every single day (tougher on some days more than others when my patience runs thin), and yes, there are days that I need a break from them (really, from every thing!)! But the beautiful moments I had with them today, they really made me grateful to have them in my life. My family gives me purpose and they are my reason for taking time off! I know they'll be this small only for a little while and they require more physical energy right now than they will in the the future. The best part is that eventually they'll be old enough to take those wonderful world trips with us! (I realized this thanks to Danny's wisdom in putting that thought in my head!!) And guess what, now Danny has been with the airline long enough that ALL our personal flights are FREE!

So I proudly found solice in this beautiful day that I got to spend with them. I relished in having a conversation with my son and hearing how he is rationalizing things even at such a young age (he's 4 and thinks he's all grown up)! I fell in love with Solana Leila's intense observations and curiosity as she explores the world from her 1-year eyes. I so look forward to sharing the rest of my life with two beautiful children along with my very devoted, kind, generous, wise and handsome husband! Love, Live & Laugh ....

Daughters and Mothers

As a woman who had a very tough relationship with her mother, I was so nervous about having a girl. While I was pregnant, I was full of mixed emotions. Before knowing whether our second baby would be a boy or a girl, I would literally cry and cringe at the thought of having a girl. I wholeheartedly did NOT want a girl!

The day I was in the ultrasound room, with Danny and Lito right next to me, and the moment the nurse said, "It's a girl!", I was filled with unexplainable sheer happiness and tears of joy! It was really an unexpected reaction! For the rest of my pregnancy there were days when I would fall in love with the idea of having a girl! But I still had my days when I would worry about whether I would end up with a bad relationship with my daughter. I would wonder how I could keep that from happening and I would think back on why things went so wrong between my mother and I years ago. We're good now, but we do have our differences. My mother also has a worse relationship with my sister and I used to worry that this could happen for me and my daughter.

Then, the day that she was born, when she first opened her eyes, she locked in on mine! She was born 9 pounds 3 ounces and literally looked like a 3 month old at birth! Immediately we saw her one dimple and her almost asian eyes. She was down right beautiful! At that moment, all of my worries melted and all I saw was the great connection that she and I had already!

During her first year of life, it has been an amazing journey. The amount of love I feel for her really overshadows any fear about what our relationship will go through for as long as she and I are blessed to have each other. She has actually turned me into a better woman, as cheesy as that sounds. Yes, my son changed me as well, but there is a different kind of change when you know the eyes of another female are on you! She helps me to make better decisions about what it means to be a woman of value, integrity and of faith. She also helps me to hold myself to a higher standard! She makes me want to celebrate being a woman and she brings out an inner confidence in me that I haven't ever known. Solana Leila has truly changed my life already!

Today, as we were hanging out at McDonalds, she turned around to look at me and just gave me the best gummy grin! The sincerety of how she looked at me hit a special note in my heart. Her gaze said so many things to me! She trusts me, she loves me unconditionally and she already looks to me for how to react to different situations. Looking back into her eyes a year after she was born, I am still filled with such great faith that our relationship will endure any bumps we'll go through! I'm savoring every minute of the ride!! I can't wait to talk to her about boys, hair, make-up, clothes, and all of the other many things that women go through as they develop from young girls into dependable and admirable women. I hope I live up to her expectations!

Storm Shadow

I have a very special event later this month and I needed to buy a very special dress ... thanks to my husband taking me shopping, I found the PERFECT dress! I am truly in love with this dress. It's midnight blue, formal, and beautiful! It has over the shoulder straps, feels like a wrap in the chest, has an empire waist and flows in layers of ruffles all the way down to the floor! I can't even tell you how wonderful I feel in this dress and I can not wait for the event at the end of this month.

When we got home from shopping, I was so excited about showing my dress to my kids ... I don't really know why, I guess I was just so excited that I found one I was this happy with! So I walk in the door and my son says,

"Wow Mommy, that dress is beautiful! It looks like Storm Shadow!"

Okay, for those of you that don't know, that's an action figure! Really? I'm going to look like Storm Shadow? I may have to re-evaluate my look!

Is It Still Brown?

For anyone that knows me, they know that diversity is a passion for me. It has played such a huge role in my life and I knew as soon as I got pregnant with Lito, that my kids would be exposed to lots of it!

Ever since Lito started talking, we have made it a point to talk about skin color. You see, my husband is African American and I'm Central American ... so our differences are very obvious! One day Danny (my husband) was teaching Lito colors and he would point to our shirts, our shoes, our hair, etc and eventually he pointed to our skin. We were so impressed that he was learning to see Daddy as brown and Mommy as beige (I know, I know, I'm more Ivory but we won't go there yet!!).

It's been a few months since we've discussed skin color and we don't really dwell on it so it hadn't crossed my mind again until this last week. Lito was having a day ... he gets jealous of his baby sister every now and then and he refuses to nap (because when Leila goes to sleep, he enjoys his alone time with Mommy and Daddy!). One particular night last week, he was exhausted and he just refused to take a nap. He finally had had enough of his sister having all the attention so he decided to throw a hissy fit! He started to cry very loudly and proceeded to throw himself on the carpet! What he didn't plan on was a hard toy being in the way of his fall ....

Poor thing, he fell on a hard red fire truck toy and it hit the small of his back and most of his bottom. I could tell it really hurt! I heard it and saw it, I was expecting the worst. I hand off Leila to Danny and pull Lito across my lap to check out the damage. As I'm making sure he's okay, Lito is full of questions!

"Is it hurt?"
"Is it bleeding?"
"Is there a scratch?"

But nothing could have prepared me for his next question:

"Is it still brown?!?!"

I couldn't believe it, my son was worried that he had scraped the brown off his skin!! I think we laughed for the rest of the night about it!! Needless to say, he forgot about his temper tantrum :)

My Favorite Time of Day

Tonight, I want to soak in this moment ...

My husband is on the sofa playing Rock Band,
My son is playing the second guitar (since he asked to play),
My daughter is bopping up and down to the music!

Danny created the lead singer to look like me ... I like that I still rock his world!

The living room is a mess and the dishes need cleaning ...
But at this moment, I just want to memorize Leila's giggle and Lito's smile.
If only I could freeze time and hit replay for all of eternity!
This will be a forever imprint on my soul ....

And I'm so thankful that my husband is the man that he is, sitting next to me, also enjoying our much needed family time.

Life is much too short...

The Juggle Struggle

I can't believe that I have 2 kids!! What was I thinking?!?!

Oh, I remember ... I looked at Lito and said, "What would it be to have another one?" You're going to think I'm crazy but I actually planned a little girl!! That's a story for another day :)

There are so many things that change from having one child to having two. Somehow you get even less sleep (as if I was getting enough sleep when it was just Lito!!). Somehow I'm eating less but gaining weight (how in the world ... I still can't figure that one out!). Somehow I have to schedule in time with my own husband (scheduling hubby time just takes out some of the romance!). Somehow I have figured out how to ignore piles of junk and dust bunnies (I never thought that would be possible, I used to be a neat freak!).

There were definitely some things that I didn't count on ...

• I didn't realize that it was so much harder to 'organize' nap times. They take naps at different times so I always have my hands full with one or both of the kids!
• I didn't think that I would need to schedule in showers too! There are days that I can't even remember if I took a shower for the day! Please don't tell anyone that!!
• I didn't count on all the conflicting feelings I would have with both of the kids ... I feel bad for Solana Leila because she doesn't get my undivided attention (like Lito did) and I feel bad for Lito because I have to push him aside sometimes to deal with Leila (and I see it in his face, the disappointment of not being the center of my world).

It's such a struggle to juggle it all! But I wouldn't change it one bit! I truly enjoy being there for both Lito and Leila, I love learning from their new-world views, I love getting their hugs and smooches, I love watching them learn and understand new things, I love hearing their voices in the house, and I love watching my husband light up when they do something new and funny! My kids have given me a totally new perspective on life and for that I am so eternally grateful!!

So Hard to Let Go

Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment for some female symptoms I am having ...

The doctor's solution: start weaning Solana Leila from nursing!

As the doctor is reviewing all the test results and telling me that I'm perfectly healthy other than needing to wean, I was caught off guard by my reaction. I have never cried so much since the weeks prior to going back to work. I knew this day was coming so I didn't expect to cry at all! I could tell the doctor was caught off guard too; she didn't know what to do! I realize now that it is so much harder to let go of this very special time! With Lito, I remember it being hard and I didn't like it then either, but I felt ready when it was time to wean him. With Leila, there are so many other feelings that I didn't plan on having.

I thought about how much I love this time I spend with her. It's my only time to gaze into her eyes and vice versa. When we nurse, I have her undivided attention. I also love just getting to snuggle with her during our time together. But what really got me going was the thought that this is the last time I'll be nursing ... period! We don't plan to have any more kids so I have this horrible feeling that my female anatomy will no longer serve a beneficial purpose! I admit that I'm quite proud of how long I nursed both of my kids and it makes me feel accomplished to know that I could balance that with everything else going on in life. To know that this accomplishment will come to an end makes me very sad.

I also have some travelling arrangements at the end of July that will keep me away from my family for four days! So I have this pressing need to wean her before then, so that it won't be a cold-turkey withdrawal approach (which would be just as hard on her as it would be on me). With Lito, it happened more naturally so this time, it feels forced. I also remember Lito giving me signs that he was ready to wean; whereas Leila is not giving any of those signs at all, so I feel guilty starting the process now.

In short, my health is at risk if I don't start the process so I know what I have to do ....

It doesn't mean I have to like it :(

Memories To Live By

Memories I Don't Want To Forget

Since I'm just now starting this blog, there are a few things I hope that I don't ever forget about my son. Either way, I thought I'd jot them down ...
When I was pregnant with him, we was very active already! Especially when the music got going, he was just a dancin' machine! There was a song by Sean Paul that came out in early 2005 that he absolutely loved! I had a 35-minute commute to and from work so it was almost guaranteed that I'd hear it once a day. I knew to adjust the seat belt around my baby bump when that song came on :) The best part was after he was in this world with us, even as young as 4 months old, if that particular song came on the TV (they used if for a commercial), he would stop everything he was doing just to listen to that song. To this day music is his delight. He loves to play guitar hero and Rock Band with his dad on XBOX. He has his own little electric toy guitar that he pretends to jam out on! I've got to find those videos of him ...

Since I knew early on that he loved music, we did a couple of things for him that were music related. We made sure that when he went to sleep we had music playing for him in the background. That helped him go to sleep sooner. I also sang to him a popular baby song but I changed the words a little:

"Rock-a-by baby, on the tree top. When the wind blows, the cradle will rock. When the bal breaks, the cradle will fall, and mom will catch Lito, cradle and all"

He loved it! To this day he still asks me to sing it to him :)

His first word was 'blue' ... I think he just liked how that sounded! His next word was Dada. He was a little behind on everything except crawling. And when he crawled, he crawled with his right leg up (so that his foot was actually on the ground) and his left knee on the ground. It was the funniest thing to watch! But he would actually go faster that way, it was amazing!

He grew hair much faster than his sister too. He was always very close to me. He loves his dad but he really enjoys being around me. I think it's because he's very much like me. He's very intune with emotions and reading people. He laughs all the time! When he was a baby, one of his favorite pasttimes was just to watch the fan blades going in circles. He would laugh hysterically and of course that made me laugh like crazy! He's very loving and he really has the kindest heart. He's a stickler for routines, he gets very upset if things don't go 'as planned'.

He was very behind in getting potty trained. He was in training pants for almost 8 months! It finally happened when we took a trip to New Jersey. He thought it was so cool that there was a bathroom that he could go to all by himself :) The trip was just for one day and one night, and by the time we got back to our house, he was going by himself! It was truly a blessing because that was only months away from Solana Leila being born and I certainly didn't want to have two kids in diapers (selfish, I know!).

People find it amazing that he stayed in his crib for 3 and a half years! He loved that crib. He had his own room and was sleeping in his crib by the time he was 6 weeks old. He was somewhat of a good sleeper. But he didn't leave his crib until he was 3 and a half years and the only reason he left it is because we bought him a big boy bed in order to use the crib for our daughter! Otherwise, who knows how long he would have wanted to stay there!

He started walking at 14 months (the same time I stopped nursing him). Putting him to bed after he learned how to walk was so crazy! He realized he was more independent and he hated bedtime. It was a scene every night for a few months. Then, one day, Danny started giving him 'warnings'. He would say, "Okay Lito, bed time in 5 minutes" and Lito would just say, "OK". It was a miracle! Danny would give him 2-3 'warnings' before starting the bedtime routine and it worked wonders. No more nighttime nightmares for us or him!

His eating habits have become somewhat annoying. When he got to baby food jars, he would eat almost anything. When he started solids, he wasn't very particular. When he got to be around 2 years old, he started getting finnicky. He would only eat fishsticks, chicken nuggets, bread (heated or toasted) or pizza (and only certain kinds of pizza and he would pick off all the cheese to eat just the breading). I noticed he had a pattern. Everything he ate had to be either fried, crunchy or yellow / tan. He's almost 5 now and he's still on that same pattern. The only food he has added is fried chicken. He'll eat some fruit but these only include bananas, melons, (both still keeping with the color theme!), watermelon and sometimes grapes. He definitely doesn't eat any vegetables. He does drink a lot of juices and milk, which is good but his diet was so concerning to me that I talked to his doctor. She said he'd grow out of it ... we're still waiting. In the mean time, he gets a slew of vitamins at night, just to make sure he's getting all his nutrients.

He was behind in his speech too. For too long, neither of his grandmothers really understood him. I am so thankful that he's gotten beyond that now. In fact, as you can see from the prior posts, he's reasoning and rationalizing things so much these days. It's great! He starts pre-K this fall and I'm a nervous wreck. He's really excited though so I'm not showing him my nerves.

He does have a temper though ... time outs have become my best friend. I jokingly say that he got his grandmother's patience (aka, none!). Lately he has started to talk back and so it's been taking a lot of time outs for him to understand that I'm not going to let him get away with being rude. When he was 3, I worried about his anger. He would really get upset at things that didn't make sense. He would clench his teeth and put his hands in tight little fists. He would want to grab me and squeeze or grab things near him. I thought about asking if there are anger management classes for preschoolers but he has started to understand that this is not appropriate behavior. I'm hoping it was just a phase. He still requires time outs in his room and every once in a while, he'll be inappropriate in there. Maybe that's why I'm nervous about pre-K....

Oh, let me not forget to tell you about his fear of water. I'm not sure where it started but he is petrified of getting water in his eyes. I'm guessing I probably got shampoo in his eyes one time and since then he literally cries and shakes nervously when he has to get his hair washed. Now that he's listening to reason a little more, he is starting to get over that fear.

Another feature that I want to never forget is how much he loves taking pictures! He loves to be in pictures and he loves to take them of other people! Between his love of the camera and his love of music, both Danny and I have our bets on him being in showbiz somehow (either modelling, singing or a musician of some sort!)!! I can't wait to see what he wants to pursue!

He's a great little guy with some awesome manners. His heart is made of gold, he truly cares for other people. I get teary just thinking about all the pain he'll face in life and I hope that I'm around to comfort him as long as he needs me. I'm truly blessed to be forming his little mind and helping him find his passions and loves in life.

I Love you Lito, with all my heart!!!

Thanks Hip Hop Harry!

I was sitting on the sofa going through e-mails and I must have murmured something under my breath without knowing it or maybe Lito heard something on the TV. Either way, my concentration was broken by my son coming up to me and saying,

"Mommy, you shouldn't use that word, because it's bad and your words have power."

I thought, surely I heard him wrong. Yes that's the kind of thing I plan to explain to him when he's older so I was positive that I did not teach him that wonderful way of thinking yet. At that very point, Danny came home from running an errand so I let it go. The statement kept ringing in my ear all day though so I finally broke down and asked Lito...

"Lito, what did you tell me earlier about my words?" He looked at me and frowned. He didn't seem to know what I was talking about so I asked him again, just in a slightly different way. His face lit up and he said,

"Oh, I said don't talk like that because words have power!"

So I asked him who taught him that and he said he heard it on the show 'Hip Hop Harry'! Lito went on to tell me that it was a song they sang after his daughter talked back to him and that Hip Hop Harry was explaining to her that she has to think before she talks. WOW!!

I learned that I underestimate the things my 4-year old understands! Thank you Hip Hop Harry!!! Thank YOU!

Don't Worry, Just Help Me Get Back Up!

Explaining things to a 4 year old is so complicated! Lito asks me every day if we can go for a walk, and that's because he just started learning to ride his 'big boy bike'. It has training wheels still but it was too big for him for the longest time (we got it for him for Christmas).

The problem is that Lito is still building his confidence on the bike so he still requires more hands-on help during the walk. Plus, we can only go for a walk when the sun is setting because of the extreme heat outside, which means we usually go when Danny is still at work, which then means I'm with Solana Leila in her stroller so it's double hard for me to catch (or help) Lito if he falls or gets wobbly since I need both hands on the stroller. To top it off, the sidewalks in our neighborhood aren't all that great ... some are slanted, some are broken and some don't even exist (and the bike wheels don't touch the ground all the way when he's on the grassy parts of our walk).

So, instead of going into all that, I tried to explain myself to Lito more simply. I just said, "We can't go for a walk today because I get worried that you will fall." His response .... "That's okay Mommy, you just have to help me get back up and that's all! You don't have to worry!!"

Oh the wisdom of my child!
(or the negligence of my explanation :)

I'm guessing that will be good advice to keep with me all the years of his childhood!

Happy Birthday Solana Leila!

On June 15, 2010, Solana Leila turned 1 year old! Her first year flew by...

Here are her accomplishments so far:

• She sat up, crawled and learned to walk early
• She talks some (Dada was her first word, although I still claim she said Mama first! She also says baba for brother)
• She waves
• She blows kisses
• She claps, pats her legs and throws her arms up in the air (Pat-a-cake)
• She loves her song and will stop everything to hear her mama sing it ("You Are My Sunshine")
• She eats all food (no exceptions)
• She has 5 teeth
• She still has trouble sleeping (she'd rather be with us than in her crib)
• She loves buttons! She knows the association between any button and the device it belongs to!
• She blows (as in blowing out candles)
• She was very attached to me and she's now learning that others are just as fun!
• The first sound we heard from her (other than a cry) was a growl!!! Yes, she has no patience ...

There is one thing that she has not done: she has not grown hair!! We love her still :)

Love, DALL

DALL

These four letters, DALL, that's how I spell love ....

D for Danny, my devoted & patient husband, who consistently surprises me with his tenacity and brilliance!

A for Alicia ... that's me! Yes, I think I finally have learned that I can embody love ... through my relationship with Danny, through my kids, through my words, through my actions and my heart ... I have come to terms with love!

L for Lito, my son. That's his nickname, his real name is Daniel Webster IV. I just can't look at his cute little face and call him anything but Lito! It started when I was pregnant with him. I would always touch my belly and say, "Mi Danielito" (a way of saying Little Danny in Spanish). As of today, he's four years old.

L for Leila, my daughter. She is such a sweet baby, with a smile that melts my heart and a cry that breaks my heart. Leila is her middle name but since Danny and I met, we always knew we'd have a daughter named Leila. As of today, she is 1 year old.

Together we're building family memories I never imaged would be a reality. I feel so blessed and I want to build these Letters of Love online so that our memories live on! I know these years will come and go much too quickly so I feel a sense of urgency to capture our special moments. One day I hope our children can look back on their childhood and know just how special they are!

Love, DALL