So Hard to Let Go

Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment for some female symptoms I am having ...

The doctor's solution: start weaning Solana Leila from nursing!

As the doctor is reviewing all the test results and telling me that I'm perfectly healthy other than needing to wean, I was caught off guard by my reaction. I have never cried so much since the weeks prior to going back to work. I knew this day was coming so I didn't expect to cry at all! I could tell the doctor was caught off guard too; she didn't know what to do! I realize now that it is so much harder to let go of this very special time! With Lito, I remember it being hard and I didn't like it then either, but I felt ready when it was time to wean him. With Leila, there are so many other feelings that I didn't plan on having.

I thought about how much I love this time I spend with her. It's my only time to gaze into her eyes and vice versa. When we nurse, I have her undivided attention. I also love just getting to snuggle with her during our time together. But what really got me going was the thought that this is the last time I'll be nursing ... period! We don't plan to have any more kids so I have this horrible feeling that my female anatomy will no longer serve a beneficial purpose! I admit that I'm quite proud of how long I nursed both of my kids and it makes me feel accomplished to know that I could balance that with everything else going on in life. To know that this accomplishment will come to an end makes me very sad.

I also have some travelling arrangements at the end of July that will keep me away from my family for four days! So I have this pressing need to wean her before then, so that it won't be a cold-turkey withdrawal approach (which would be just as hard on her as it would be on me). With Lito, it happened more naturally so this time, it feels forced. I also remember Lito giving me signs that he was ready to wean; whereas Leila is not giving any of those signs at all, so I feel guilty starting the process now.

In short, my health is at risk if I don't start the process so I know what I have to do ....

It doesn't mean I have to like it :(

Memories To Live By

Memories I Don't Want To Forget

Since I'm just now starting this blog, there are a few things I hope that I don't ever forget about my son. Either way, I thought I'd jot them down ...
When I was pregnant with him, we was very active already! Especially when the music got going, he was just a dancin' machine! There was a song by Sean Paul that came out in early 2005 that he absolutely loved! I had a 35-minute commute to and from work so it was almost guaranteed that I'd hear it once a day. I knew to adjust the seat belt around my baby bump when that song came on :) The best part was after he was in this world with us, even as young as 4 months old, if that particular song came on the TV (they used if for a commercial), he would stop everything he was doing just to listen to that song. To this day music is his delight. He loves to play guitar hero and Rock Band with his dad on XBOX. He has his own little electric toy guitar that he pretends to jam out on! I've got to find those videos of him ...

Since I knew early on that he loved music, we did a couple of things for him that were music related. We made sure that when he went to sleep we had music playing for him in the background. That helped him go to sleep sooner. I also sang to him a popular baby song but I changed the words a little:

"Rock-a-by baby, on the tree top. When the wind blows, the cradle will rock. When the bal breaks, the cradle will fall, and mom will catch Lito, cradle and all"

He loved it! To this day he still asks me to sing it to him :)

His first word was 'blue' ... I think he just liked how that sounded! His next word was Dada. He was a little behind on everything except crawling. And when he crawled, he crawled with his right leg up (so that his foot was actually on the ground) and his left knee on the ground. It was the funniest thing to watch! But he would actually go faster that way, it was amazing!

He grew hair much faster than his sister too. He was always very close to me. He loves his dad but he really enjoys being around me. I think it's because he's very much like me. He's very intune with emotions and reading people. He laughs all the time! When he was a baby, one of his favorite pasttimes was just to watch the fan blades going in circles. He would laugh hysterically and of course that made me laugh like crazy! He's very loving and he really has the kindest heart. He's a stickler for routines, he gets very upset if things don't go 'as planned'.

He was very behind in getting potty trained. He was in training pants for almost 8 months! It finally happened when we took a trip to New Jersey. He thought it was so cool that there was a bathroom that he could go to all by himself :) The trip was just for one day and one night, and by the time we got back to our house, he was going by himself! It was truly a blessing because that was only months away from Solana Leila being born and I certainly didn't want to have two kids in diapers (selfish, I know!).

People find it amazing that he stayed in his crib for 3 and a half years! He loved that crib. He had his own room and was sleeping in his crib by the time he was 6 weeks old. He was somewhat of a good sleeper. But he didn't leave his crib until he was 3 and a half years and the only reason he left it is because we bought him a big boy bed in order to use the crib for our daughter! Otherwise, who knows how long he would have wanted to stay there!

He started walking at 14 months (the same time I stopped nursing him). Putting him to bed after he learned how to walk was so crazy! He realized he was more independent and he hated bedtime. It was a scene every night for a few months. Then, one day, Danny started giving him 'warnings'. He would say, "Okay Lito, bed time in 5 minutes" and Lito would just say, "OK". It was a miracle! Danny would give him 2-3 'warnings' before starting the bedtime routine and it worked wonders. No more nighttime nightmares for us or him!

His eating habits have become somewhat annoying. When he got to baby food jars, he would eat almost anything. When he started solids, he wasn't very particular. When he got to be around 2 years old, he started getting finnicky. He would only eat fishsticks, chicken nuggets, bread (heated or toasted) or pizza (and only certain kinds of pizza and he would pick off all the cheese to eat just the breading). I noticed he had a pattern. Everything he ate had to be either fried, crunchy or yellow / tan. He's almost 5 now and he's still on that same pattern. The only food he has added is fried chicken. He'll eat some fruit but these only include bananas, melons, (both still keeping with the color theme!), watermelon and sometimes grapes. He definitely doesn't eat any vegetables. He does drink a lot of juices and milk, which is good but his diet was so concerning to me that I talked to his doctor. She said he'd grow out of it ... we're still waiting. In the mean time, he gets a slew of vitamins at night, just to make sure he's getting all his nutrients.

He was behind in his speech too. For too long, neither of his grandmothers really understood him. I am so thankful that he's gotten beyond that now. In fact, as you can see from the prior posts, he's reasoning and rationalizing things so much these days. It's great! He starts pre-K this fall and I'm a nervous wreck. He's really excited though so I'm not showing him my nerves.

He does have a temper though ... time outs have become my best friend. I jokingly say that he got his grandmother's patience (aka, none!). Lately he has started to talk back and so it's been taking a lot of time outs for him to understand that I'm not going to let him get away with being rude. When he was 3, I worried about his anger. He would really get upset at things that didn't make sense. He would clench his teeth and put his hands in tight little fists. He would want to grab me and squeeze or grab things near him. I thought about asking if there are anger management classes for preschoolers but he has started to understand that this is not appropriate behavior. I'm hoping it was just a phase. He still requires time outs in his room and every once in a while, he'll be inappropriate in there. Maybe that's why I'm nervous about pre-K....

Oh, let me not forget to tell you about his fear of water. I'm not sure where it started but he is petrified of getting water in his eyes. I'm guessing I probably got shampoo in his eyes one time and since then he literally cries and shakes nervously when he has to get his hair washed. Now that he's listening to reason a little more, he is starting to get over that fear.

Another feature that I want to never forget is how much he loves taking pictures! He loves to be in pictures and he loves to take them of other people! Between his love of the camera and his love of music, both Danny and I have our bets on him being in showbiz somehow (either modelling, singing or a musician of some sort!)!! I can't wait to see what he wants to pursue!

He's a great little guy with some awesome manners. His heart is made of gold, he truly cares for other people. I get teary just thinking about all the pain he'll face in life and I hope that I'm around to comfort him as long as he needs me. I'm truly blessed to be forming his little mind and helping him find his passions and loves in life.

I Love you Lito, with all my heart!!!

Thanks Hip Hop Harry!

I was sitting on the sofa going through e-mails and I must have murmured something under my breath without knowing it or maybe Lito heard something on the TV. Either way, my concentration was broken by my son coming up to me and saying,

"Mommy, you shouldn't use that word, because it's bad and your words have power."

I thought, surely I heard him wrong. Yes that's the kind of thing I plan to explain to him when he's older so I was positive that I did not teach him that wonderful way of thinking yet. At that very point, Danny came home from running an errand so I let it go. The statement kept ringing in my ear all day though so I finally broke down and asked Lito...

"Lito, what did you tell me earlier about my words?" He looked at me and frowned. He didn't seem to know what I was talking about so I asked him again, just in a slightly different way. His face lit up and he said,

"Oh, I said don't talk like that because words have power!"

So I asked him who taught him that and he said he heard it on the show 'Hip Hop Harry'! Lito went on to tell me that it was a song they sang after his daughter talked back to him and that Hip Hop Harry was explaining to her that she has to think before she talks. WOW!!

I learned that I underestimate the things my 4-year old understands! Thank you Hip Hop Harry!!! Thank YOU!

Don't Worry, Just Help Me Get Back Up!

Explaining things to a 4 year old is so complicated! Lito asks me every day if we can go for a walk, and that's because he just started learning to ride his 'big boy bike'. It has training wheels still but it was too big for him for the longest time (we got it for him for Christmas).

The problem is that Lito is still building his confidence on the bike so he still requires more hands-on help during the walk. Plus, we can only go for a walk when the sun is setting because of the extreme heat outside, which means we usually go when Danny is still at work, which then means I'm with Solana Leila in her stroller so it's double hard for me to catch (or help) Lito if he falls or gets wobbly since I need both hands on the stroller. To top it off, the sidewalks in our neighborhood aren't all that great ... some are slanted, some are broken and some don't even exist (and the bike wheels don't touch the ground all the way when he's on the grassy parts of our walk).

So, instead of going into all that, I tried to explain myself to Lito more simply. I just said, "We can't go for a walk today because I get worried that you will fall." His response .... "That's okay Mommy, you just have to help me get back up and that's all! You don't have to worry!!"

Oh the wisdom of my child!
(or the negligence of my explanation :)

I'm guessing that will be good advice to keep with me all the years of his childhood!

Happy Birthday Solana Leila!

On June 15, 2010, Solana Leila turned 1 year old! Her first year flew by...

Here are her accomplishments so far:

• She sat up, crawled and learned to walk early
• She talks some (Dada was her first word, although I still claim she said Mama first! She also says baba for brother)
• She waves
• She blows kisses
• She claps, pats her legs and throws her arms up in the air (Pat-a-cake)
• She loves her song and will stop everything to hear her mama sing it ("You Are My Sunshine")
• She eats all food (no exceptions)
• She has 5 teeth
• She still has trouble sleeping (she'd rather be with us than in her crib)
• She loves buttons! She knows the association between any button and the device it belongs to!
• She blows (as in blowing out candles)
• She was very attached to me and she's now learning that others are just as fun!
• The first sound we heard from her (other than a cry) was a growl!!! Yes, she has no patience ...

There is one thing that she has not done: she has not grown hair!! We love her still :)

Love, DALL

DALL

These four letters, DALL, that's how I spell love ....

D for Danny, my devoted & patient husband, who consistently surprises me with his tenacity and brilliance!

A for Alicia ... that's me! Yes, I think I finally have learned that I can embody love ... through my relationship with Danny, through my kids, through my words, through my actions and my heart ... I have come to terms with love!

L for Lito, my son. That's his nickname, his real name is Daniel Webster IV. I just can't look at his cute little face and call him anything but Lito! It started when I was pregnant with him. I would always touch my belly and say, "Mi Danielito" (a way of saying Little Danny in Spanish). As of today, he's four years old.

L for Leila, my daughter. She is such a sweet baby, with a smile that melts my heart and a cry that breaks my heart. Leila is her middle name but since Danny and I met, we always knew we'd have a daughter named Leila. As of today, she is 1 year old.

Together we're building family memories I never imaged would be a reality. I feel so blessed and I want to build these Letters of Love online so that our memories live on! I know these years will come and go much too quickly so I feel a sense of urgency to capture our special moments. One day I hope our children can look back on their childhood and know just how special they are!

Love, DALL